In the final instalment about this year’s sadly doomed and cancelled Eurovision, and to give every artist equal antagonism, as the home nation song and the Big 5 avoided scrutiny as the only songs not in the two semi-finals (which you can read about here and here for a more in depth roasting), the 2020 trilogy will end with The Soundshark running through and ranking every Eurovision entry this year, in order from least favorable, to the crème de la crème. Let this serve as a statement on ultimately who I thought should’ve won this year.
41. Finland: Aksel – Looking Back
There had to be a last place, but this spends so long looking back, it forgets to go forward, or anywhere for that matter.
40. Serbia: Hurricane – Hasta La Vista
Nobody was clamouring for a Pussycat Dolls return, so this oversexualised, cookie-cutter pop is already 15 years too late.
39. Croatia: Damir Kedžo – Divlji vjerte
Great voice, just shame everything else about this ballad is unspectacular, and that key change does absolutely no favours.
38. Ukraine – Go_A – Solovey
Traditional it may be, but this electro-folk fusion ends up being terrifying for all the completely wrong reasons.
37. Greece: Stefania – Superg!rl
She may be an MTV starlet in the making, yet that totally overshadows and dampens the message of female empowerment.
36: Portugal: Elisa – Medo De Santir
Some lovely words in her native tongue save this from being lower, but it is still bland in all senses of the word.
35. Belarus: VAL – Da Vidna
Some performances take your breath away, and this did that, but from sighing constantly.
34. Estonia: Uku Suviste – What Love Is
I remember this being similar to a Westlife song, but the fact that’s all I remember is probably indicative of its quality.
33. Denmark: Ben & Tan – Yes
One or two neat lyrics aside, the world doesn’t need to say yes to more Ed Sheeran clones, or any more music that resembles his.
32. North Macedonia: Vasil – You
A rare case of interesting instrumentation, sadly being let down by lacklustre and unexciting composition.
31. Azerbaijan: Efendi – Cleopatra
Thing is, there is a decent pop song here, it’s just ruined by an irritating chorus, and off-putting creative decisions.
30. Germany: Ben Dolic – Violent Thing
Kid no doubt has a bright future in the industry, but if this is the best they could come up with, just as well they are going back to the drawing board.
29. France: Tom Leeb – Mon Alliée (The Best In Me)
This acoustic led number has some nice arrangements, it’s just more likely to be used as a sleeping aid rather than having a shot at winning.
28. The Netherlands: Jeangu Macrooy – Grow
A very sleepy ballad at first with a good voice, that gospel saves from less than mediocre at best.
27. Spain: Blas Cantó – Universo
Sexy Spanish man sings in sexy language and does very little else in this musically dull dance number.
26. Malta: Destiny – All Of My Love
A talented lady tries her best to uplift an entire continent here, but it doesn’t strike the right chords and ends up quite boring.
25. Italy: Diodato – Fai Rumore
This guy does have a great voice, the piano’s good, and the synth is a peculiar touch, there’s just nothing else of note that screams winner to me.
24. Albania: Arilena Ara – Fall From The Sky
Skyfall’s Eastern European cousin is super solid musically, it’s just bogged down by some unnecessary vocal melodies that annoy rather than astound.
23. United Kingdom: James Newman – My Last Breath
The general backbone of this is fairly generic, but the verses with solely vocals and guitar elevate this a fair amount more.
22. Austria: Vincent Bueno – Alive
This Justin Timberlake wannabe isn’t wholly original, but there is a winning funk formula here, just inches away from greatness.
21. Israel: Eden Alene – Feker libi
The linguistic dexterity is certainly impressive, and so are the song’s breakdowns, it’s just difficult to classify the song overall as the very same.
20. Australia: Montaigne – Don’t Break Me
Let down only by tune-weary vocals, this atmospheric dubstep number is another great showcase for a young Austalian artist.
19. San Marino: Senhit – Freaky!
There is always a time and place for disco, and this is thankfully a very good time for it, just not quite so memorable as it should be.
18. Armenia: Athena Manoukian – Chains On You
Outside of Eurovision, this could seriously crack the charts given chance, being a fine balance of dark pop and rap.
17. Cyprus: Sandro – Running
A darker tone and some fantastic strings make this mainstream radio floorfiller stand out a lot more than most.
16. Sweden: The Mamas – Move
An exercise in how soul makes everything infinitely better, optimism floods out of this above average track.
15. Norway: Ulrikke – Attention
To prove how less can be more, this perfectly tuned minimalist composition completely strengthens this gifted lady’s dynamic vocal performance.
14. Czech Republic: Benny Cristo – Kemama
An original take on dancehall that feels traditional yet enjoyable, with broader mainstream appeal calling.
13. Moldova: Natalia Gordienko – Prison
Being so deceptive as to shift from a classical ballad, into an intense, heart-pounding waltz, transforms this into a captivating performance.
12. Poland: Alicja – Empires
Nowhere else will you find such a well-thought out and expertly crafted arrangement, that deals so brilliantly and succinctly, with holding authority to account.
11. Latvia: Samanta Tina – Still Breathing
By own admission, a Marmite entry, but sound design fanatics and club culture aficionados have so much to enjoy in this surprise sledgehammer track.
10. Georgia: Tornike Kipiani – Take Me As I Am
Obvious angst aside, this is one of the most unique songs of the whole competition, where darkness and atmosphere collide for some engrossing drama.
9. Ireland: Lesley Roy – Story Of My Life
Guilty of being the kind of ear worm that plagues you for days, this pitch perfect power pop anthem is exactly the kind of positivity that we need right now.
8. Slovenia: Ana Solkič – Voda
Power and beauty grace this predominantly ambient ballad, that once in motion, becomes a truly moving moment.
7. Romania: ROXEN – Alcohol You
Near enough unspeakably dark, the centring on just vocals and an endless sense of atmosphere, provides the desired impact exquisitely.
6. Belgium: Hooverphonic – Release Me
Classy is perhaps an often overused word, but it’s exact in describing this effortlessly cool indie number, with a magnificent string section.
5. Bulgaria: Victoria – Tears Getting Sober
The certain whimsical charm from this one is very endearing, an ambient ballad of unconventional practice that shoots both for the heart and the head.
4. Lithuania: The Roop – On Fire
A hark back to classic 80’s pop tropes that has produced a true synth-pop gem this year, with killer vocals, feverish hooks aplenty, and a healthy saturation of fun that’s desperately needed.
3. Russia: Little Big – Uno
Fun was the pure objective here again, and one of Russia’s best pop sensations have done it once more, with this cheeky floorfiller likely to bounce around in your head forever.
2. Iceland: Daði og Gagnamagnið – Think About Things
Despite being goofy as all hell, this is the performance that embodies the spirit of Eurovision empathically this year, both musically, and physically, this funk-based indie number is dynamite.
1. Switzerland: Gjon’s Tears – Répondez-moi
Remarkable would be the word to describe this track, where a maddeningly talented young artist, backed by an exceptional atmospheric arrangement that alludes labels, erupts with an emotional wave so strong, it leaves you in absolute awe. A worthy winner in my eyes.
What would’ve your rankings would’ve looked like? Feel free to let me know.
If you enjoyed this alternative Eurovision take, or my writing in general, consider giving the site a like on Facebook, or a follow on Twitter, or on WordPress by clicking the button in the right hand corner: